Cerebration

A friend of mine is preaching tomorrow on being single in a married world.  He is using an unusual text, Phil. 1:12-30, to drive home 3 points, namely:

• Develop a passion outside of yourself
• Experience that Jesus + nothing = Everything
• Pursue this passion in unity with a strong group of believers

Although I’ve done scripture work on much of this passage before, I’ve not had time to do any scripture work on it as it might relate to singleness.  I look forward to listening to the sermon online to hear what God would have my friend say on the subject.

But I can speak to the situation of being single.  I am a single mom of four children.  I have not always been single, but that is way to painful to write about, even though time has passed and God has graciously moved my crew and I forward and onward.  But now that I’ve become a single in a married world (because truly, that is what it is like), I have been able to make some of my own observations.  I have had to go to God many, many times on this subject for His counsel, His wisdom, His comfort, His promises.

I may be unusual in that I am settled for now being single.  Sure, I think of getting remarried some day, and even hope and daily pray for that if God would grant it, but because my life is so over-full right now with four children to raise, one full-time job and one part-time job, as well as the added challenges of being single, I don’t dwell on the future, except to look forward to the day when I can go to my heavenly, real home and experience true peace and rest.

James 1:28 says this:

27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. 

Some choose singlehood, others, like myself, find it forced upon us, whether through divorce or death.  This verse speaks of affliction.  There is affliction:  there is loneliness.  There is weariness when there is no one to help discipline the children, no one to go get a gallon of milk, no one to help figure out why the stove won’t turn on, or how the bills are going to be paid.  There is the wondering about church, trying to figure out where to stand, where to sit, where to fit in.  There is grief watching other families sitting together in worship.   There is fear for the future–financial fear, social fear (will I always be the odd duck????), parenting fear (How am I to raise these four children to be god-fearing men and women on my own?).  This fear can threaten to overwhelm even the stoutest of singles, no matter how they came to their single position.

But as I read Tullian Tchjudivian’s book “Jesus + Nothing = Everything”  I was confronted with truth that hurt.  Even trying to fill this hole in my soul with my four amazing children, leaves nothing but a hole, because that is not what that hole was designed for.  It’s not designed for financial security.  It’s not designed for finding a future spouse.  It’s not designed for anything but Jesus–no idols, no idols, no idols.  This was a hard truth to learn.

When I wake up at 5:00 AM each morning filled with daily dread of the day ahead, it is only by coming before Jesus to receive grace for the day that I’m able to stand fast to meet the challenges that life throws at me that day—a sick child, a broken vehicle, overwhelming grief, whatever it might be.  I’m not saying that every morning I find myself refreshed and renewed and ready to greet the day with joy and happiness—there are plenty of mornings that my soul continues to ache after a short night as I crawl into my car for my commute to work.  But more often than not, I get a glimpse of my Savior through Scripture work and prayer, and that’s what feeds the whole in my soul.

I don’t want to be single.  I didn’t choose to be single.  Oh, how I can write with tears that I wish it were so different.  I wish right now that my boys had a father who was teaching them to mow better than I’m teaching them, that my girls would have a father who would ruthlessly quiz their dates that they bring home to meet the family.

But I can say without a doubt that it is only God’s grace that I can live this single life in the midst of a married world.

At first I questioned the use of Philippians 1 for such a subject.  But after writing out my thoughts and going back over the scripture, I think I see it more clearly.  Take a look for yourself:

²⁷ Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, ²⁸ and not frightened in anything by your opponents. This is a clear sign to them of their destruction, but of your salvation, and that from God. ²⁹ For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake, ³⁰ engaged in the same conflict that you saw I had and now hear that I still have.

Only let your manner of life be worthy of Gospel of Christ…..standing firm in one spirit….not frightened in anything by your opponents.

Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ.  Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ.  Married or single by choice, or single through tragic circumstances, this is what we are called to do.  This is what I am called to do.  And though tonight I am weary as a single mom who has cleaned 3 homes other than her own today, and has many things to do before sleep tonight, I need this kick and challenge tonight to let my manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ.  I’m not sure what that should look like, other than to keep seeking my God and my Jesus, and be grateful for grace upon grace upon grace.

Yesterday was a rough day.

A couple of hours sleep the night before led to a day of difficulty focusing and silly mistakes.  A couple of discouraging phone calls dampened the day further.  A letter in the mail broke my heart.  Refereeing sibling conflict took energy that I didn’t have, and two quite sick children had me scurrying to the store late at night for medicines that I should have had already in my medicine cabinet.  And everywhere I looked, I saw and felt grief and weariness.

So I went to bed defeated last night, but sleep wouldn’t come.

As I lay there I found myself thinking about Grace.  Amazing Grace.  I found myself pleading with God for grace.  I turned to scripture to try to find the words that my soul was trying to express to my God, and I found it amidst the Psalms: (Psalm 86)

6 Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer; listen to my plea for grace.

7 In the day of my trouble I call upon you, for you answer me.

Give ear O Lord to my prayer……..Hear me O Lord as I lay here and pray to you, and plea to you for grace.  Because grace is what I need.  Grace is what we all need.  Everyday of our lives.

The manifestation of His favor upon our lives.  Undeserved favor.  Undeserved love.

Where did God even create the concept of grace?  If grace is something He grants, is it also something that He is?  We know that God is love, is He grace as well?

It is only by His grace that we would ever have the faith to believe.  It is only by His grace that we can stand fast (1 Thess 3:8-10).  Even in the midst of suffering and grief, we have the amazing fortitude to stand fast due to grace.   This grace is beyond our understanding, I think it’s impossible for us to wrap our minds around such a gift.  I know that I can’t.

14 And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. 15 (John bore witness about him, and cried out, “This was he of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me ranks before me, because he was before me.’ ”) 16 For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. 17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.

What a beautiful passage.  The Word becoming flesh in the person of Jesus Christ, to dwell among us, full of GRACE and TRUTH.  And from His fullness, we have and continue to and will continue to receive grace upon grace upon grace.  This grace and truth come through my Jesus, through your Jesus.

O how I need grace upon grace.  And God grants it, even when I don’t see it.  He grants it in moments of clarity and peace.  He grants it is sweet moments of rest and sleep.  He grants it when His mercies are new every morning.

“Father God, Hear my plea for grace.  Grant me grace in parenting, when I seem to be failing miserably.  Give me the grace I need in order to believe the truth of who you are and to have the faith to trust solely in You.  God, teach us to recognize your grace and to not fail in thanking you for it.  Give us the strength to grasp a hold of that grace as an anchor in the stormy, tossing waves, knowing it is your Grace that provides respite in the storm.  Grant me grace O Abba.  Grant us grace, dear Father.”

Up most of the night last night, tonight I find myself tired yet dreading sleep.  So here I lay in bed, getting ready to read until I finally do fall asleep.

I am down tonight.  There should be no reason for being down.  I worked hard cleaning houses this morning.  Then I did cleaning of our house and errands, and then took the smalls and one big to see Avengers (which was an excellent movie).  There is no reason for being down, and yet here I find myself goofed up as the day closes.  My soul hurts tonight.  It aches for my kids.  It struggles with doubt.  And it is weary from working to keep our heads above water.

God seems so silent tonight, as I yearn to sense Him.  Sometimes it is like that.  I wonder if those times are meant to teach us.  But what, exactly, I don’t know.

I turn to the Psalms, because I know that the Psalm writers have words for this.

Psalm 22

1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? 

2 O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. 

3 Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel. 

4 In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them. 

5 To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame. 

I love to read.  I love to mark up books.  I love books.

So I found the info graphic on Justin Taylor’s blog to be fascinating.  If you are a reader, you will too.  I’ve only read 4 of the 10 books, not counting the Bible, which I’ve read much of, but not all.  Check it out HERE.

I am tired tonight.  It was a brutal day of grouchy patients and grouchy physicians in the office where I work.  We were shorthanded, overbooked, and behind schedule all day long.

I’ve read much lately about making much of Christ in the workplace.  Being the light.  Being different.  I’m trying to do all those things, but it is exhausting work.  I work hard to be very pleasant to both patients and coworkers and physicians, even when faced with a rude initiative or response.  That takes energy, to do my very best work I possibly can while keeping a pleasant demeanor, as well as caring for those coworkers of mine who have messed up lives and no hope.

I drag myself home, to face laundry and cleaning, homework and paperwork, grocery shopping, errands, meetings, etc.  And I drag myself out of bed at 5 every morning to wake up and spend time with God, because without that, I’d never make it through the day.  At least, not make it through the day with my sanity intact.

I am preaching to myself tonight, that I need to find joy in the workplace.  And that my joy should not come from external things such as the deposit working out correctly, or providers running on time, or coworkers who actually do their work instead of giving it to me to do, which, of course, I do.  No, my joy comes from Christ alone.

I’m currently reading “Jesus + Nothing = Everything” by Tullian Tchividjian (I have NO idea how to pronounce his last name).  To say it has been a gut kicker would be an understatement. His Biblical focus is the book of Colossians.  He writes about idols–we all have them–and how they destroy our lives.  Like my idol of being the best at everything.  If I’m not best, I’m wrecked.  And the idol that the workplace can become, and possibly is for me, for many others as well.  No, it’s Jesus + Nothing = Everything.  Not Jesus + My abilities = Everything.  Not even Jesus + My Family = Everything.  There is no other answer for experiencing real joy, than to get to a place where Jesus + Nothing = Everything.

I’m weary tonight.  Weary of parenting.  Weary of working two jobs.  Weary of many other things.  But, like I said, I am working hard to preach to myself tonight.  And I’m grateful to my God that every day ends eventually, and a new one starts over in the morning.

I am puzzled tonight about the mysteries of prayer–the unknowable things about how prayer works.  How I wish that Jesus would have explained it more.

I had a strange experience today.  I had sent a text to my oldest girl, asking how her day was going.  She replied that she had a huge anatomy test during the 3rd block of classes.  I know she has been working hard at getting ready for this test.  I texted her back that I would pray.

And then I forgot to pray.

At around 2:00 (after the high school is dismissed) I remembered.  I felt terrible that I had forgotten to pray.  But even more than that, I began to think about prayer.  HOw does it work?  Since I forgot to pray, could I still say a quick prayer and God would answer retrospectively?

Here is what I know:  I remain confused and frustrated with wrapping my mind around God and the subject of time; also, God and the subject of hearing prayers.  I know He answers prayers, but how does He hear them all, and what does time (knowing that God operates outside of time) have to do with prayer?

I also know that God is not Santa Claus, he is not a magician.  He won’t “magically go back and change answers on Keli’s test” because I pray.  That would be ridiculous.

I pulled out my favorite book on Prayer, simply titled Prayer by Philip Yancey, and while I found re-reading many of the highlighting that I did in that book, I didn’t find what I was searching for.

Maybe that’s just it.  Maybe I’m not supposed to be able to wrap my mind around these questions.  But being the person I am, it is very hard not to ask these questions time and time again as they bounce around inside of my mind.

However: 20 Blessed be God, because he has not rejected my prayer or removed his steadfast love from me! (Psalm 66:20)

Tonight as I lay here, trying to gear up for the week ahead and also wind down to hopefully sleep, I am amazed at how God provides.

My van was declared a hopeless case yesterday, and the mechanic advised me to take it to a pasture and put it out of its misery.  Not good news.  No money to purchase another vehicle, transportation a must to get back and forth to Williamsburg to work every day.  However, within ONE HOUR, God answered my desperate prayers for help (for that is all I could think to say at the time).

Back when the transmission went out (for the second time), a couple in our church, Russ and Cindy Pratt, had told me they would give me their van if I needed it, as they were shopping for a new car anyway.  At the time I thought the transmission would borrow me at least 2 more years out of my poor van.  Sitting there at the garage, I didn’t want to call, but I did.  And they graciously told me the offer was still open.  We will “trade” vehicles and they will use mine as a trade-in on a new car.

To say that I’m grateful seems so paltry.  But I am.  Tomorrow I will drive to work without being scared of the scary noises my car was making and the fear that I would be stuck on the side of the freeway eventually.

It reminds me somewhat of Pastor Dennis’ sermon this morning on Psalm 107.  In that Psalm are four pictures of four different scenarios and people who are in desperate need, and each “Cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress.”  God heard my cry and delivered me from the distress of losing transportation.  But most importantly, God heard me.

My week has been very full.  Returning from Nashville, getting certified in CPR, spending today cleaning houses, and finding out today that my van is beyond help.  It is dead.  I need to find a green pasture somewhere, haul it out there and put it out of its misery.

I’ve not had the time I had hoped for to really think and process all the way through the weekend.  But I have come away with some new thoughts.

The Advisory board gelled really well.  We got to know each other quickly and by Saturday night we were truly friends and coworkers.  Friday consisted of a cookout along with a talk by Benny Proffit, the founder of First Priority Ministries.  It was a privilege and an honor to meet him, as we have had First Priority Clubs in schools for several years.  The rest of the night was getting to know the tasks at hand and talking out logistics.

Saturday morning we started in, focused and ready to go.  We talked about how God has provided:  The goal for this year was to raise 60k, however God has provided $130k!

The day was spent working with our different committees.  The work was intense.  To get a missions ministry off the ground, there is so much to do.  We’ve already been granted non-profit status.

We have 3 ministry partners:  Rose at Tumaini Orphanage, Peter who works in the Kibera slums, and Geoffrey who is building pod houses for widows and their children.  We got to Skype with Peter, which was an amazing experience.

After the weekend, I am-as I often do-reevaluating my life.  Here are a few thoughts:

• I want to attend seminary more than ever
• I need to find a different job
• I still feel called to ministry of some sort
• My heart is still in Africa and James 1:27
• I need to continue in the disciplines for preparation for the future

Another African Country that we need to pray for.

Today, The Big Picture featured another poor and war torn country in Africa.  You can see the pictures Here.  Sierra Leone had 10 years of Civil War starting in 1991.  They are now at peace, yet are one of the poorest countries in the world.

Here’s a few facts from the book Operation World:

• 63% Muslim
• 13.5% Christian
• Highest infant and maternal mortality rates in the world
• Life expectancy is 47 years
• Widespread Occult Practice