I woke up in the middle of the night last night, greatly discouraged.
I have been giving this fight everything that I’ve got, and so to be awakened at around 2 AM and hit hard by a wall of irrational thought and fear was hugely discouraging. After checking on the kids and cleaning the kitchen some, I crawled back into bed, defeated. It wasn’t even 3:00 AM, and I was devastated.
I lay there in the darkness, fighting my own mind and an onslaught of despair. I did finally sleep a bit more between 4 and 5, but to my great disappointment, 5 AM brought more of the same. Where was God?
I wanted to cancel my teaching job for the day. I wanted to lay in bed and hide. But that doesn’t work. That is not what courage or fighting looks like.
I preached hard to myself, about walking, about being grateful. I slowly, reluctantly worked my way through the scripture for today, camping out on Colossians 1:13-22, and specifically doing work on Colossians 1:21-22:
21 And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, 22 he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him,
My soul started to work, to think. I was once alienated and hostile toward God. That was me. But that person is dead. She is dead, I am different. How amazing are these words, really?? That I, who can identify much with Paul in being the chief of sinners, can somehow be holy and blameless and above reproach before my God? And, even more than that—that I can even be before my God at all!!
I’d like to be able to say that from there all was well–it was still a challenging day. My sub job today was more challenging than usual, it took much energy. I am exhausted tonight, and facing a long night of work ahead of me yet. There were bills in the mail that I can’t pay. And I dread sleep tonight, I dread nighttime tonight.
But in the grand scheme of themes, I know rationally that what is most important is that somehow, some way–though I don’t understand it–what took place on the cross somehow made Colossians 1:21-22 truth. By Christ’s death, I am somehow reconciled and presented before my God–holy! Even on these challenging days.