I dread the night time.
It’s either hard to turn my mind off. Or, if I do sleep, I am so often awakened by nightmares. Sometimes I can go back to sleep, other times I am unable to. More often than not, I am unable to. I sleep with a light on, and yet I am still disoriented when I am awakened in the middle of the night.
Tonight I am having a difficult time turning off my mind, slowing my mind down to sleep. The enormity of the weight of responsibility that lies on my shoulder for my crew is crushing tonight. I have one who has been in the Cayman Islands and I’m awaiting her arrival home safe. I have one who was made fun of at school last week and doesn’t want to return tomorrow. I have one that is like having a 10 year old in a 16 year old body. And then there is Mark, Mr. cool, who actually worries me more than any of them.
Car inspections, vehicle registration renewals, FAFSA forms, Taxes, College applications all swirl in my mind tonight. And that is all mixed up with what I’m learning in the book that I am reading, that is changing my perspective on just exactly what the Bible is, what God and Jesus did and what that means for me (salvation through judgement). It’s overwhelming.
And work. I just hang on as the day assaults me left and right–patients, coworkers, doctors, nurses, Medical assistants-my mind spins and barely hangs on to all that must be done between 8 and 5-6PM. I have to go back tomorrow. And so my mind doesn’t slow down, worried about that which I’ve left undone today that will put me further behind tomorrow.
And so I hyperventilate. And I try to talk sense to myself, try to preach to myself that God is truth, and if God is truth than Christ is truth, and if Christ is truth, surely He sees and knows. But it’s hard to preach to myself, to take myself in hand and demand from myself what I know to be truth. It’s easier to give up. It’s easier to say “it’s too hard”. It’s easier to quit. It’s easier to go home.
But I’m made of tougher stuff than that. And while exhaustion is admittedly nipping at my heels tonight, I am praying for sound sleep, uninterrupted sleep and the courage and fortitude to get up tomorrow morning and do it all over again, looking and hoping for the smalls things that are encouraging, and trying to put away the thing that are despairing and discouraging.
And so I will pray “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to Keep….”