If there is one thing that really, really messes me up, it’s when someone is angry at me.
I’ve always been that way for as long as I can remember. Since I was young. If I know someone is angry or mad at me, I’ll do anything I can think of to make it right between me and that person. It tears me apart when there is a fissure of anger in a relationship I have with a friend. It eats me up, I lose sleep over it. My stomach ulcer acts up. In general, it hurts my soul and I want to do whatever I can to make it right.
I think that is why grace is so hard for me to except. I remember that soon after realizing that God and Jesus were real and scripture was truth, my mind immediately went to fearing that God was angry with me over the many terrible things I had done in my life. Some that outright mocked Him. I remember writing confession after confession, begging God for forgiveness and to not be angry at me–never quite believing that He forgave me or wasn’t angry at me. God, in and of Himself, was such an enormous concept, that my anguish over making Him angry was very real.
I also felt as though I were a huge disappointment to God. I wanted to make Him proud, yet how could I with the sins in my past and the sins I continued to commit even though I knew He was real? There for awhile, the hole I was in got deeper instead of shallower.
But then slowly, slowly I have learned about grace. God’s grace to us as sinners. God’s grace to us out of His steadfast love for us. Grace is a manifestation of God’s favor–undeserved–upon us. I still struggle with this—accepting the Grace of God in my life. I want to try to “earn” His favor. I want to try to make Him happy, not angry or disappointed in me. I want to work to make up for my sins. And all of that goes against the concept of salvation by faith and the gift of grace.
That’s James. Straight-forward James. And I read that verse and realize the other issue wrapped up in this is pride. And there is no one more prideful than me. It’s a sin I deal with on a daily basis. But He gives more grace. And when I humble myself–when I see myself as I truly am–that’s when He gives me grace.
I’m singing on Sunday, and I’ve chosen a song which I can barely get through the first two lines without getting goofed up. Thankfully I’ll probably be nervous enough that that won’t be an issue on Sunday. The song is “Come as You Are”, and here are the first two lines:
“He’s not mad at you.”
“He’s not disappointed”
For someone like me who is fearful of anyone being angry at me, especially God, those two lines are a healing balm. “He’s not mad at you. He’s not disappointed. His grace is greater still, than all of your wrong choices.” Whew.
That doesn’t mean that God is not a just God, or that there aren’t consequences for sin. There are. I know that full well. But His grace is greater…and He still gives more grace, as James 4:6 says. This is not nothing.
Below are the lyrics of the song. They are overwhelming. It will be a privilege and an honor to get to sing these words Sunday, confirming who God is, as I bring to Him all of my broken pieces and all of my shameful, shameful scars.
He’s not mad at you,
And He’s not disappointed.
His grace is greater still
Than all of your wrong choices.
He is full of mercy
And He’s ever kind.
Hear His invitation,
His arms are open wide.
You can come as you are with all your broken pieces,
And all your shameful scars.
The pain you hold in your heart, bring it all to Jesus.
You can come as you are.
Louder than the voice
That whispers “you’re unworthy”,
Hear the sound of love
That tells a different story.
Shattering your darkness
And pushing through the lies,
How tenderly He calls you,
His arms are open wide.
You can come as you are with all your broken pieces,
All your shameful scars.
The pain you hold in your heart, bring it all to Jesus.
You can come as you are.
You can come as you are.