I’m laying here on my couch, as close to the snow as possible. Window shade is up and I can see it lightly falling in the streetlight off of the church. It’s supposed to change over to rain tonight; meaning, school tomorrow will not be cancelled.
The dog is snuggled down keeping my feet warm.
It’s bad down south. ATL is a mess. Charlotte is paralyzed. People are stuck on freeways, cars are going nowhere.
Icy. Cold. Brutal.
What do we do when that is how our soul or our mind is? Icy. Cold. Brutal.
The snow is so pretty. It’s really coming down right now, heavily. Usually the snow would make me giddy. Tonight it just makes me tired. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for days. Weeks. Months. Years.
I’ve been struggling with what is truth and what is not truth all week. Today more so than ever. This, too, makes me tired.
I read, a lot. A whole lot. I read what I think is a wide variety of material. Could it be wider, more diverse? Sure. And that’s one of the goals that I had had for this year. But this week I am struggling between what is the definition of truth and a good story…a great story.
And, that said, what it means to follow something. Following a sports team. Following a news story. Following a person, whether real or fictional. Shoot, I can barely follow my own thinking, let alone someone else’s.
In the fight to push forward this year and become more socially acclimated, I find myself today, this week, this year, pulled deeper into the abyss. I’ve considered taking down this blog. Shutting down Facebook. Going to bed to sleep for days at a time.
So many see me as strong. They are “impressed”, which sickens me. I am strong. I have, with the help of this church, community and my job, been able to keep things moving forward for my crew. They are strong. They are good. So many see me from a distance and tell me how good I am doing, how great my kids are doing, how inspiring and encouraging we are. From a distance. How strong I am. I appreciate the encouragement. But tonight it makes me want to throw up, because I know the truth.
The secret is that I’m not. Oh, sure, I am strong in many ways. Have been all my life. I think I’ve proven that. But strength takes energy, and energy I am running out of. Tonight I am not strong. Tonight I am confused and shattered. Doubt unlike what I have ever known since becoming a “Christ-follower” has overtaken me. Guilt overwhelms me. What if I had been a better wife? A better mother? A better “Christ-believer”? A better friend? A better anything and everything than what I was and what I am.