Yesterday was a terrifying day.
It’s all worked out now, hopefully even for the better. But even in the midst of great relief, I’m still reeling from the sheer terror the day held.
Due to contract issues and budget issues, I thought my job was being cut.
When you are a single mom of a crew of four, and have fought for every inch forward, such news can be devastating in ways that I never knew it could be. Sure, there is the concept that “whatever happens, we must have faith that God knows best”. But when you are in the midst of watching yourself potentially lose everything, again, it’s hard to dig up a molecule of faith, let alone a mustard seed.
Yet by the end of the night, all was right again–even more than right, as I will be assuming new responsibilities and an increased workload. I’m taking a break now from work to write this post and rest my number crunching/schedule crunching mind.
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, too. Not a day I’m terribly fond of, mostly because I believe it is a created holiday made in order to gain revenue for the card, candy and flower businesses. I think that it has the potential to do more harm, than good. Yes, we need to celebrate our loved ones. But what about the person who so desperately hopes to receive “something” and yet receives nothing. What does she (or he!) feel about their worth then? And for those who have been in relationships that have ended painfully in unwanted divorce, it’s just a reminder that they have been abandoned and undesired.
What does this say about love and hate? I’ve given this a lot of thought over the past several days. I’m in a bit of a rough place right now where it seems as if I am on a deserted island, with no way out except the end of the story. It’s funny that in the midst of that island, the concept of love and hate would be what I would think about. Oh, fortunately I think also of my crew that needs me, and that keeps me afloat. But as far as far-flung concepts go, love and hate are it.
1 John 3:11-24 is a tough passage. I’ll not pursue it all here, for time and lengths sake. But I will look at 1 John 3:18:
It’s interesting that the author ( I don’t know who the author is, maybe it is John) addresses his readers as little children. We adults don’t like to be called children. But sometimes that is what we are. I feel like a little child today–unsure of the things I am about to write. Unsure of life. Frightened. The author says “let us not love in word or talk”. Yes, it’s important to hear the words “I love you”. Sometimes, they are very hard words to hear. But why does the author say don’t love in word or talk? I think he may be basically saying the old phrase “talk is cheap”. I’m a writer, not a talker. I can write till the end of time and still have more to write. But if I don’t put actions behind my words, than they are useless. There are words I wrote earlier today that I’m struggling to “not” put action too, because deeds are real. Deeds–works, if you want to use that terminology, put feet to the spoken and written word.
Forgiveness needs to be an action, not a word. Unity needs to be an action, not a word. Missions needs to be an action, not a word. And so much more. They require “doing” something. Words can be deceptive. But actions speak loudly.
But what does it mean “in truth”. “Truth” is something I am struggling with terribly right now. Truth is exceedingly important to me. I so much want what is in scripture to be truth. But when I see or experience the antithesis to what scripture says, it doesn’t make me wonder if the person is being untruthful, it makes me wonder if scripture is untruth. I am truly struggling with this right now. Let us love…..in truth. In deed and truth. How does one love in truth?? I don’t know the answer to that. What I do know is that when something is said to be truth, and the deeds or the love does not match or follow up that “truth”, than that truth becomes untruth.
Little children, let us love not with words or talk but with deeds and truth. I know this verse should spur me on to be more action minded in my love. And, to a large degree, it does. But it also hurts and confuses. I want to know truth. I want to show love in truth and deed. I want to know that scripture is truth.
And what is hate? If Love is in deeds and truth, hate lies in untruth. We all think we know what hate is. Here is what the dictionary says though: to dislike intensely or passionately; to feel extreme aversion or hostility toward. I’ve also heard it say that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. I don’t know if that is truth, but it makes sense.
1 John 3 has some harsh words for those who hate. But I don’t want to look at that. Instead, I will just say that to be hated by someone is similar to some of the darkest things I’ve had happen in my life. Partly because hate lies in untruth. When one is told they are loved, and then they are abandoned by heinous crimes or hated for some other reason, the untruth of what was and what is can nearly undo a person.
Does God hate? We are often told “God hates sin but loves the sinner.” But it’s hard to understand the holy wrath of the God of the Old Testament. I’m not saying His wrath there is unjustified. I’m not saying that any who hate me are unjustified. It’s just so hard to understand.
I am so tired, this post probably makes little to no sense. If I didn’t need to go back to work, I’d clean it up. Make it pretty. But then would it be truth?