The first Psalm I looked at through different eyes. Eyes that considered the possibility that there may be a God. Eyes that were shocked at the words I read there.
I’ve spent the day taking another look…a renewed look…at this important Psalm. Important because the language is honest. Important because it comes from David. Important because it doesn’t sugar-coat the questioning or the anguish in that questioning.
I don’t know the circumstances surrounding David when he wrote this Psalm. I wish I did. That information may be available, I don’t know. What I do know is that I started out reading this Psalm to just be reading it. To try to sort things out in my own mind about scripture. What I came away with was a different perspective. Or, if not a different perspective, a renewed perspective.
I’ve struggled a great deal lately with scripture and it’s truth or untruth. The past 1.5 weeks have been harrowing. I have struggled with whether I have lost my faith or not. Whether God is real or not. And what I, who is so small, could do about it.
O Lord, all my longing is before you;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
As I sat in Panera today, nursing an unneeded cinnamon roll, I contemplated these words over and over again. And then I wrote them over and over again…..O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you. Over and over again. Remember writing sentences in class for wrong doing? It was like that…I just wrote those two lines until they filled up an entire page of my Word document. O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you.
You see, I thought He didn’t see. I had come to a very low place and was sure my longing was not before Him and never would be again. Oh, I’m not out of the woods yet. I’d like to say that those 3 hours in Panera turned this hard, cynical, fearful heart back toward God with full abandon. But that would not be truth.
But what is truth is in those moments…hours….I realized that I can’t stop. I must keep going. I must keep pursuing truth. Oh, how I have wanted to give up. But I can not. And God, assuming He is real, knows that I can not. And God, assuming He is real; it is before Him that my longing is before. My longing for answers. My longing for peace. My longing for a future. My longing for hope.
And my sighings are not hidden from Him. And neither are yours. Assuming He is real, He must hear my sighings. He must. And He must hear yours. He must hear my sighings on the long, sleepless nights when I worry on how I’m going to provide for my crew. On what happens tomorrow, and the next day and the next day. What is a sighing? To let out one’s breath audibly, as in sorrow, weariness or even relief. This verse says that those sighings…my sighings, David’s sighings, your sighings, are not hidden from Him. He hears them. It’s hard to grasp, but He hears me.
And so I begin again back at the beginning, seeking to see again. Seeking to know God again. Seeking to resume a pattern of study, a pattern of learning, a pattern of even trusting–of faith–of something again.