I took today off from work.
It was a day that held tremendous encouragement mixed with some discouragement. After not much sleep, I awoke and was able to both study some for my final I was to take later in the day, plus I was able to make it all the way through my morning scripture study and prayer materials–I rarely make it all the way through. I cleaned the house and van spotless. I had a very encouraging visit with a good friend. My girl won an art contest with a $100 prize and an invitation to an award banquet.’
But it also held some discouragement. A phone call telling me that my ex-husband has been moved to a lower security prison (this is good news, but it stirs up all sorts of thoughts that weigh heavy on my soul. Today is his birthday). I found out what I am actually making salary-wise, and apart from the grace of God, it is impossible to provide for my crew. It’s a scary thought that after today I need to file it away so as not to become overwhelmed.
And, I took my New Testament 501 final, which absolutely, completely, entirely, thoroughly, comprehensibly killed my brain. But, my fault. My fault for trying to cram too many facts, too many similar epistles, too many similar themes into just a few short weeks.
So, like most days for most people, this day held it’s share of encouragements and discouragements, steps forward and stagnation, hope and despair.
Tomorrow morning I must get up and go back to work. Ugh. I must keep doing the things that I know to do to keep providing for my crew, to keep pressing forward.
I am so tired. I am so tired. I am so tired. I am so tired, and yet I am staying in the game. For now. For tonight. For tomorrow, because I can’t see much past tomorrow.
I’ve been thinking about the lyrics and singing “His Eye is on the Sparrow” lately. I think because I am completely captured by this verse:
“Let not your heart be troubled,”
His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness,
I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth
But one step I may see:
“Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see…”
And that is it exactly. Exactly. I have no other choice but to try to follow my God’s lead, even if it means I can only see the next step. Or, maybe sometimes I can’t even see the next step–there is only light enough for the step I am on.
I have to learn to be ok with that. It goes against my nature, against my personality. But I suppose that is where Faith comes in.
These verses below were meant for the Israelites. But O God, please let them be for me as well!
11 wFor I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare2 and not for evil, xto give you a future and a hope. 12 yThen you will call upon me and come and pray to me, yand I will hear you. 13 zYou will seek me and find me, when you seek me awith all your heart.