I wanted to quit this morning.
Quit what, I’m not really sure. Just quit. Quit trying. Quit working hard. Quit parenting. Quit pursuing God. Quit trying to lose weight. Quit church. Quit life.
I’m not really sure. All of it? None of it? I don’t know. I just knew that the discouragement was not worth pressing forward. The discouragement was heavy–throughout my prayer time, throughout my morning and spilling over into the afternoon.
Oh, I kept going, I didn’t actually give up. I worked hard–hard at my job, at my responsibilities as a single parent, hard at trying to cook something for my family to eat. (I just tasted it; it’s actually passable)
But I wanted to quit.
Why do I share this with you? Because I know that there are days that you want to quit as well. Maybe you know what you want to quit. Maybe you don’t; maybe it’s just a vague something that is pushing you to quit. To give up.
God has granted me a job where I can work from home, which means I can listen to worship music (or Johnny Cash, or Patsy Cline, or Hawaiian music) the entire time I’m working (when I’m not on the phone). So I can share with you the exact moment my desire to be a quitter today stopped.
The song is called “The Stand”. I’ve shared it before on Facebook. Today, it was medicine for my aching soul.
The two refrains I want to reference are below:
Particularly the second set of words hit home. As I sang the words, I thought “How appropriate, because what can I say? There is nothing to say. Not in the face of what my God has done for me on the cross, carrying it for my shame, my sin upon His shoulders.” And I thought “What could I do? In all of MY trying, MY working, MY parenting, MY cooking, MY living, I will always have moments of failure. Always. But He stands before my failure. I can’t work hard enough, parent well enough, cook well enough, live well enough in order to earn His grace. I can’t. And you can’t. So what can we do?”
The only thing I have that I can offer to Him today is this heart–this soul–the very seat of who I am, with all my sins and failures and desires to quit. I can offer it all to Him, completely.
I, like Moses in Exodus 33, do not want to take another step forward without God. Moses wanted to quit. But he knew he could press forward if the God of the universe went with him.
And so I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned to God. I will stand fast, because the one who is steadfast has not abandoned me. And I won’t quit. I’ll keep pressing forward, even when I am fearful that I won’t meet all my obligations. Even when I’m fearful that I am parenting inadequately. Even when my working does not meet the bills. Even when I don’t see the hope that I know in my soul is there. I won’t quit.
My soul now to stand.